dreams that turn to nightmare

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:47:47 GMT

When in fact it's as real as everything in your life.

When I write that it's because I've experience a traumatic childhood that I've manage to block, some of it at least. And just recently I've been confirmed that what I dreamt about, was true & what I had gone though, I knew.
I really wish I could erase it but when I sleep my dream filled nites I occasionally have this nightmare that reminds me or brings me back to my childhood. I hate it. I hate everything & I hate you with so much passion that hate allows me to hate. When I get depressed I really want to kill myself. I hate knowing who did it & I hate knowing that it still affects me to this day. As much as people say forgive & forget, you can't. This is why I don't believe in God. It's selfish but to think about it why is there so many hurt why is there so much crap. If you want to do the God thing then your own personal demon is the Devil himself. They say you get choices because he allowed us to think for ourselves to explore our options to take the consequences of our actions but than there is turmoil in yourself that can turn you in either a good or evil person.
You learn from your mistakes & always question what you did but sometimes you're a repeater what does that make of you? You go around hurting people blame it on things that only had so much control over you but never blaming it on your own actions. Just because you found God & done right to others have you done right to the ones you hurt? Have you apologizes to them? Have you fought to keep their love for you? I question these things about the perpetrator & wonder what goes through their head what makes them the person they are. Why does the word God all of a sudden make you a better person?

[I realize that this is super personal until I can find a nice journal you're gonna have to read it if anyone ever does but be my guest comments are nice]

Things that I enjoi

Sat, 16 May 2009 07:17:19 GMT

I drown my brain with music to help me stop thinking & I zone out while everyone is asleep with pictures in my photoshop that wants me to edit them.
I can't sleep so this is what I do. Sometimes I wish I can just sleep but it never catsup with me. [hahaha]
Today was just a stupid day. I'm glad I'm ending it with music & pictures.